Directed by George Mendeluk; Starring Jessalyn Gilsig, Antonio Sabata Jr. and Serge Houde
Swarm starts off promising enough with some nice cinematography of the Colombian jungle and it's habitat. But quickly spirals downhill with some constraint dialogue between a mother and her teen aged daughter as they make their way to the airport. Elsewhere, we are quickly introduced to another American visitor consulting a local doctor about digestive problems he has encountered after drinking a glass of water he believes to have been contaminated by the country's unclean lifestyle.
Meanwhile at the airport we meet the characters, this bare bones story will revolve around, there is the ass hole who has had one too many to drink at the airport's bar. There is the just engaged flight attendant, who gets hit on by the drunken ass hole, but is intervened by a tall dark stranger who turns out to be, no surprise here , an air marshall Ethan Hart. Add a lesbian couple travelling with a new born, a pair of newly weds where the bride has some soul searching to do and thousands of ants as the guest of honour. These critters have stowed away on board by smuggling inside one of the passengers . Once the plane is in the air it doesn't take long for the little buggers to emerge from the chest of the man who obviously should have taken the advice given from his doctor. Thousands of ants burrow their way out of a man's chest, creating a new orifice and not a single drop of blood to be seen and this was the unrated edition, sure as hell would hate to to see the PG version. No blood , no breasts, two deaths and no swearing unless you count " bull crap " as a naughty word. This waste of celluloid also lacked scares, suspense and tension, unless you consider close up shots of ants crawling along the wires of the plane's electrical system scary.The sound effects were greatly exaggerated making the ants sound more like an angry pack of beavers gnawing away at a California Red Wood. But mostly the ants were provided by C.G. I. that really wasn't very impressive.
The film was peppered with some poor acting and some of the worse displays of dialogue to enter these ear canals, the writing and direction didn't help much as we are not given any one to care for, even though there is a sub plot dealing with how the plane is refused to land, due to home land security issues. The main characters were all cliches and then amped up another one hundred degrees.The surfer type dude who became drunk at the airport bar and then demanded more drinks after he boarded the plane. Thankfully this ass hole eventually ended up dead , unfortunately it didn't look painful enough. Even his best bud just threw him back into the lavatory when the ants covered him. Good bye obnoxious ass hole. Then there is the newly weds, the beautiful bride and the selfish, cowardly husband who literally jumped up onto a seat and whimpered like a little school girl when his wife's leg began to be covered in the ants. At one time this sad sack of shit wanted the captain to depressurize the cabin to kill the ants, not caring if it might kill the lesbians little baby, "It's all about survival of the fittest" he explained. I was really surprised this ass hole wasn't killed off too. Remember the mother and her teen aged daughter ? Holy co-incidence Batman , the mother, Carrie Ross is an entomologist. The only reason to have an entomologist on board is that the writers were lazy and the character can explain the scientific information about the ants such as these are bullet ants who are mutating into some kind of super ant blah, blah, blah. Of course she is a widow, five years now, and the daughter is playing match maker. Enter one Ethan Hart,( Sabato Jr. ) air Marshal and a bachelor. In one , but not the only embarrassing moment , Ross and Hart have a romantic interlude as the plane is full of killer ants and the plane is leaking fuel with only minutes to spare to fix that fuel leak. Wow , talk about your priorities. Eventually the fuel leak is repaired and the couple even find time to neutralize the queen ant. The plane can now land at a test runway that the co-pilot remembers training at, he has been in control since the captain was attacked by the killer ants, amazingly he survives. See, it pays not to be an ass hole.
Mean while back on the ground government officials are contemplating the fate of flight 603, the director of homeland security wants the plane and the passengers on board destroyed, one person who is against this decision makes a quick phone call to her reporter friend. When the news team arrives , soldiers waiting for the passengers to disembark from the plane are now ordered to put their weapons away. Why wouldn't the government just order fighter jets up to blow that sucker out of the sky if they really wanted it destroyed ? With all of the passengers safely out of the plane Dr. Ross reaches into Hart's carry on and pulls out a flare gun firing it into the spilled fuel that is now spilling onto the tarmac. The plane explodes, ending the danger of the killer ants populating U.S. soil. The passengers will need to be quarantined, but over all it's quite the happy ending, the mother and daughter becoming closer in the face of danger, a newly married wife discovering the true personality of her husband, the engaged flight attendant who will still get the chance to walk down the aisle, yada, yada yada, the daughter is given a puppy that was found in the luggage section for Pete's sake. She is even going to name him Lucky, which pretty well sums up most of the passengers and their flight from Columbia. But not the viewers.
Just when I thought this couldn't get any better (there is a hint of sarcasm here ) the camera looms into the wreckage to reveal an ending like no other I have seen before ( more sarcasm ). Oh the horror of it all, the Queen ant , she lives.
My Final Thoughts: This comes across like a made for television movie, it even has the fade to blacks to conveniently fit in an advertisement for your favourite snack food. Actually this would probably go over better shown on television, this way you could stay and watch the commercials and fix a snack or go for a piss when this celluloid after birth is playing. This makes Snakes on a Plane look like Citizen Kane.
My Rating : 1 Go Go Girl out of 5
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